Whether we realize it or not, our expectations have a big impact on how we perceive and experience life. Was your day good or bad? Did that new restaurant hit the mark or fall short? Was your long awaited vacation everything you hoped it would be? It all depends on what type of expectations you had. And the same applies to your marriage.
Unmet expectations are the root cause of many marital disagreements, and they can come in several forms. Here are 3 types of expectations that can cause conflict between you and your spouse.
1. Unrealistic
When it comes to marriage, having expectations can be healthy. They help to set a standard for what is or isn’t acceptable and provide a baseline for holding yourself and each other accountable. They have the potential to push us to be better partners and to grow as a couple. However, there needs to be a balance between aspirational and attainable. When they are too idealistic, you’re bound to be disappointed. For example, if you go into marriage expecting nothing but romance and smooth sailing, with nary a fight between you, chances are you’re going to be let down. If you expect your spouse to always know what you need and never do anything that upsets you, they’re inevitably going to fall short. Expecting perfection, whether from your spouse or yourself, is simply not realistic – you’re both human, after all!
2. Ingrained
Some of the sneakiest expectations are the ones we don’t even realize we have. They’ve been imprinted upon us through various means, whether it’s what we observed and internalized growing up, what society and culture tells us is acceptable, or even our own personal desires and perceptions. If you’ve ever found yourself getting upset about something, and you’re not even sure why, consider whether it’s related to an ingrained expectation you’re holding. Maybe you think holidays should be celebrated with specific traditions, believe finances will be handled a certain way in your marriage, or have clear ideas about the “correct” order of milestones as a couple. When ingrained expectations are not met, it can spark emotions that seem to come out of nowhere, and that can cause conflict in your marriage.
3. Silent
Sometimes we’re very much aware of the expectations we have, but we don’t actually communicate them to our spouse. Instead, we hope that they’ll read our mind or figure out what we want on their own, then feel disappointed or upset when they don’t. Maybe your spouse asks what you want to do for your birthday. You give a vague, noncommittal answer. In reality, you know exactly what you want to do, but when your spouse doesn’t plan anything, you’re annoyed and disappointed. Sure, it’s nice when your partner just seems to know exactly what you want without having to spell it out, but realistically, this is unfair to both of you. By clearly communicating expectations, you give your spouse the best chance of meeting them – and yourself the best chance of not feeling let down.
Expectations are like a measuring stick that we hold our reality up against. In the context of marriage, they play a huge role in how happy and satisfied we are. The problem with these three types of expectations is that they essentially rig the game against you, souring your perception of both your spouse and your relationship. The key is to prioritize communication and work together to create expectations that set a healthy standard for how you both want to show up in your marriage.
How do I unsubscribe? My partner is not willing to invest. Doesn’t even talk. I do, then he pretends things are ok. I am leaving as he has been totally dishonest.
Show Up but don’t show out in Your Marriage in things will be Just Find. Say fully I LOVE YOU instead of love you. Examine your self more than You examine Your spouse. We’re getting older by the minute, time can fly, look for moment’s to celebrate each other whether than find fault.
Good advice. It’s easy to cast shadows on our spouse or significant other as we look at them through a microscope, while we look at ourselves on Facebook. Focus first on the person you have control over and make the changes you can both appreciate.
Jean and I were married Aug. 30, 1964. For the first 15 years, there was never a harsh or angry word passed between us. I thought our marriage was made in heaven. Then the spirit of our marriage broke! We went to Pastoral Counselling in Calgary, Alberta. The counselling revealed: Jean’s father was an alcoholic. Her way of coping was to be super sensitive to his every wish or blink of an eyelid. As a good codependent, she had related to me just like she had to her father. (I did not realize this) My mother was a very demanding, many speak Mother. I only obeyed when she got loud enough!. I related to Jean like I had related to my mother. I then started listening to my wife, realizing she was erasing her needs to meet mine. When I learned to really listen to her heart, not her words. Then we really communicated like one. This August 30, we will celebrate our 61st anniversary. When our expectations were in the now-our world, I learned how to meet her needs as a wife. The way we relate to our parents will be the way we relate to each other in OUR new home. By the grace of God we can learn how to really listen and respond with heaven’s love. If heaven is better than living with Jean, heaven will be a wonderful place.
Sounds like you were both very much in love and wanted your marriage to endure time. These days people are in the mindset that if it breaks or looks like breaking, throw it in the bin and get a new one.
Excellent information! It’s absolutely true. Open communication before marriage can significantly reduce the likelihood of conflicts arising from unmet expectations. My husband and I had an honest and transparent conversation about our values, beliefs, and goals before we tied the knot. It proved to be incredibly beneficial for our relationship.
All of these are true for marriage and in life. I have been married to my wife for 28 years and we both come from Christian backgrounds but that didn’t mean that we held all of the same values. My wife’s family is loving but I’ve also seen how this love (in the way they know it and live it) can be manipulative and self-seeking. She is the last born child of her family and was always catered to. This produced a flawed sense of reality that sometimes appears in our relationship. On the other hand, I was also the last born in my family and experienced being spoiled as a young person by my older sisters. This set the stage for some conflicts in our marriage in the realm of expectations (unrealistic, ingrained, and silent). What I realize today is that we all have expectations and must confront them in an effort to overcome their effect on ruining our marriage success and sustainability. Marriage takes three; Man, God, and Woman. I’ve learned if God is not in the center of my marriage, I am prone to want to give up, quit, and never return. It’s easy to be selfish and prideful when looking at the flaws of your spouse. However, its much more difficult to confront the enemy within and resolve to do something about it.