3 Reasons Your Fights Last Longer Than They Should

We’ve all been there. You have fight with your spouse. Maybe the actual fight itself didn’t last longer than ten minutes, but the aftermath drags on for days. Days of cold interactions, stewing, and silence. How long can it go on? How long should it go on?

While a “cooling off” period after an argument can be necessary and helpful, letting disconnection linger on for days without working toward repair can be more damaging to your relationship than it’s worth. Do you feel like your fights last longer than they should? Let’s explore a few reasons why this might be true and how you can start to resolve things sooner.

Reason #1: You’re focused on being right.

You have a conflict-fueled interaction with your spouse, and it ends with one or both of you walking away angry. You spend the day having imaginary arguments in your head about why you’re actually right and justified in being mad. You focus on why your spouse is at fault and all the things they shouldn’t have said or done. You stew and stew. Meanwhile, your spouse is doing the same thing. Instead of working toward reconnection, you’re actually creating even more distance between you.

Fix things faster: Instead of focusing on why you’re right and they’re wrong, flip the script on yourself and reflect on the ways you may have contributed to the problem. It’s not easy – it requires self-awareness and emotional maturity to see your own faults and weaknesses. But by looking at things more objectively, you’re better able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Approaching the situation with empathy and a willingness to be vulnerable is key when it comes to making up sooner.

Reason #2: You don’t want to be the first to “give in.”

Sometimes your ego just takes over. You don’t like fighting, and it’s driving you crazy letting it drag on like this… but you just don’t want to be the first to break down and apologize. It feels like “losing” or admitting you’re wrong. You know it’s petty, but your pride wins out, and deep down you hope your spouse cracks first.

Fix things faster: Letting go of your pride can be hard, but if that’s the only reason your fights are dragging on, then it’s time to eat some humble pie. Remember, conflict in marriage shouldn’t be about winning or losing – it’s about working together to find a solution that best serves your relationship. Stop worrying about who’s giving in first, and shift your mindset to doing what’s best for your marriage.

Reason #3: You’re unsure how to initiate repair.

You’ve been giving each other the silent treatment, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break. You want to talk things out and reconnect, but you just don’t know what to say or do to end the stalemate. Do you crack a joke? Simply blurt out an apology? Just hope everything eventually blows over on it’s own? Or maybe you don’t have a problem breaking the silence, but you just can’t seem to say the right thing – the fight tends to flame up all over again.

Fix things faster: It can feel uncomfortable making that initial bid for reconnection, but if you’re attempting it, that’s great! It means you’ve probably moved past the first two reasons on this list and are mentally and emotionally ready to work things out. So what do you say, and how do you say it? Remember that your tone and body language are just as important as the words you say. A hand on their arm instead of crossed arms, a loving tone instead of an accusatory one, and using “I” statements to take responsibility for your feelings and actions should set you on the right track.

Conflict is inevitable and can even be productive in marriage. But letting fights and disconnection drag on longer than necessary for reasons such as these isn’t getting you anywhere. Over time, these tendencies can become patterns of conflict that are difficult to fix. Luckily, you can learn to overcome them. After all, life is too short to spend days giving each other the silent treatment.