It’s easy to have idyllic ideas about how you’ll handle conflict with your partner…when you’re not in the middle of it. Throw in a triggering comment and rising emotions, and suddenly all your best intentions seem to go right out the window. Before you know it, you’re stewing in anger and dwelling on the wrong things. Instead of working on repairing your connection, you’re doing the exact opposite and freezing each other out.
Suddenly trying to change the way you approach conflict with your spouse in the heat of the moment is a challenge for many reasons. That’s why it can be beneficial to reflect on the changes you’d like to make ahead of time – when you’re not in the midst of an argument. Does it mean you’ll be perfect in the moment? Probably not. But it can help you course-correct more quickly, setting the stage for more productive discussion and resolution.
Here are three mindset shifts to make before your next fight.
1. Instead of why dwelling on why you’re right/they’re wrong, work on seeing things from a different perspective.
We’ve all done it. You have an argument or tense exchange with your spouse. and in the aftermath find yourself going in mental circles. You can’t believe they said that! You feel justified in your response. You go through the reasons why. You come up with new ones. You feel even more justified and even more sure that they’re the one in the wrong here. The cycle continues. As you can see, this tendency doesn’t lend itself to working through conflict in a healthy way. While conflict can actually be an opportunity to grow closer, this mindset can drive you apart.
Next time you feel yourself falling into this trap, pause and be intentional about shifting your perspective. Try to see the issue from a different point of view – that might be putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes or even just looking at the situation objectively. When you step out of the one-sided perspective that comes with the goal of being right, you’re better primed to tackle the issue as a team in a way that best serves your relationship.
2. Instead of placing blame, take responsibility.
When there is a problem in your relationship, it’s natural to want to shift the blame to the other person – or at the very least, away from yourself. After all, if the cause of the issue is something beyond your control, then you’re off the hook, right? Not quite. For one thing, as spouses, you are both responsible for the quality of your relationship, no matter what the issue is. Taking this seriously and acting on it is a great reflection of your commitment to each other.
For another, one of the most powerful things you can do when you’re working through a conflict is take responsibility for the ways in which you might have contributed to the problem. It requires self-awareness and the ability to see things from a broader perspective (as explained in #1.) When you’re able to step back and say, “Here’s where I screwed up, and here’s where I can do better,” it makes it easier for your spouse to do the same. That mindset will help you strengthen your relationship throughout all the conflicts that arise throughout your marriage.
3. Instead of making assumptions, lean into empathy.
You’ve probably heard that saying about assuming things. Unfortunately, it often rings true. Making assumptions about your partner not only causes fights, it also has a tendency to make communication and understanding go right down the tubes, making conflict resolution and repair pretty difficult.
Instead of going into an argument with your mind made up about your spouse’s reasoning or intentions, choose empathy. Put yourself in their shoes and try to experience the conflict from their frame of reference. This helps you remember that they are human, just like you. They make mistakes and have feelings, just like you. They probably don’t want to be having this fight any more than you do.
You don’t always know when an argument is going to arise between you. When it does, you can’t always guarantee you’ll execute those “best practices” perfectly – that’s to be expected. Emotions often ramp up during conflict, making it difficult to change habits in the moment. So take some time before your next conflict arises to work on making these mindset shifts – it just might make all the difference.
Useful suggestions. Applicable even after 49 years of marriage! Many thanks . . Frank
Great stuff! I’m going to try it now… And here’s a thought for an activity suggestion for Step 1: once each of you has made your opening remarks and stated your case or grievance and you notice there is some “turf defending” going on, switch sides with each of you trying to state the other’s position and defending it as your own!
Christopher
Good one. Follow up question. What happens when your partner refuses to shift posts? Thank you
In my opinion, I feel that asking the unwilling partner to take another pause in the argument and come back to it once emotions are calmer and rational, then try again.
Sometimes we have to let our own emotions to cool down a bit, so put yourself in a “timeout”, which let’s YOU cool down ,before addressing a conflict. Really does work.
Why do we want to win arguments; because we were taught to win at life. We must realize it is not us against the world anymore,we now have a partner in crime. That partner in crime we are now doing time with is to be cherished in not being talked down to. When you so call win an argument do you really win when your partner goes away not feeling heard,I believe not. So lets take the advice given to us in learning how to fight fairly in a disagreement amongst one another. A mindset shift is warranted. Arm ourselves with the weapons to win together and not alone; have the others back in conquer as one.
Great insights. Can you share a personal example of “So lets take the advice given to us in learning how to fight fairly in a disagreement amongst one another”.
This was very inlightening. I plan to put these things into practice.