Do you and your spouse tend to agree on most things? If so, great! If not, that’s great too (and probably much more likely.) You might be thinking, “I wish we agreed more. We’re always bickering over trivial things!” But when you think about it, it’s better to disagree on the trivial things than on the big things. Going a step further, it’s more important to be aligned on the bigger mission or purpose than to agree on every idea or method for getting there. Wondering if this is all just semantics? Let’s explore further.
Disagreeing can be a good thing.
You love documentaries, your spouse thinks they’re sooo boring. You think there’s a right way to load a new roll of toilet paper, your partner doesn’t think it matters. And don’t even get started on pizza toppings. While these are all very inconsequential examples, being able to openly disagree on these things as well as more hefty topics means you’re both maintaining an individual sense of self, which is important in all relationships. We need to keep growing as individuals, and healthy relationships leave room for that.
Disagreeing on smaller things also gives you a way to practice problem-solving and compromise when the stakes are relatively low – skills that will come in handy when dealing with more bigger points of contention. You might also find yourself branching out of your comfort zone, exploring ideas, perspectives, activities, etc. that you wouldn’t have normally.
The key, of course, is keeping respect and empathy at the forefront in the midst of disagreement.
Are there things it’s essential to agree on?
While disagreement is healthy, things like deep-held beliefs, life-guiding values, and big picture goals are pretty important to agree on. As individuals and a couple you’ll need to determine which things are non-negotiable and which have some wiggle room. Lean into your areas of agreement, and use them to ground you when issues come up.
Where does alignment fit in?
Agreement and alignment sound pretty similar, but in fact, they’re not completely interchangeable. Think of agreement as alignment’s uptight, perfectionist cousin—everything must be exactly perfect and in its place. Alignment, on the other hand, is a bit more laid back and realistic, recognizing that every tiny detail is not always as important as seeing the bigger picture.
You can disagree and still be aligned on a broader vision.
Do you have issues or topics that you just know will end in an argument? You two simply do not see eye to eye on the issue, and you don’t know that you ever will. It can be discouraging to get hung up on the goal of reaching total agreement. Not only is it sometimes just not possible, it’s often not realistic. What’s more important is that you value and gain an understanding of each other’s perspective. Acknowledge that you may not agree on every detail, while staying focused on aligning on the greater vision that you share as a couple.
Imagine you’re going on a road trip. You and your partner are aligned on your destination and the goal of staying within budget, but you have different ideas for how to get there, what sights to see, and where to stay. You can figure out the minor points of disagreement as you go; there’s more room for compromise there. But without aligning on the broader vision, you might not even make it out of the driveway.
The takeaway
As with most things in life, agreeing and disagreeing with your spouse isn’t black and white. There is a lot of gray area in between, and trying to reach total agreement can sometimes be an exercise in frustration. Understanding the difference between agreement and alignment and when each one is best utilized can help you keep the big picture in mind when it’s easy to get caught up in smaller disagreements.
How do you align when it’s political?
Yes, i need feedback on this one as well.
I think based on what this article is saying, we can align on any issue.
Politically: align that you want “both people to be informed” or “we are working to all be healthy” or “the government is trying to protect people in different ways, etc.”
I once heard a stat from a therapist that the best couples only agree 50% on things but align really well together.
Gottmans say the best couples only agree on 31%. They learn to deal “creatively” with the remaining 69%
It seems to me that conservatives and liberals are more in alignment in the big picture than any of us realize. For instance, regardless of where we are on the political spectrum, we want a good economy, a better world for our children, to be able to live our lives without too much government interference, etc. Where we disagree, often, is how we get to those things. That’s exactly what this article is talking about–focusing on aligning on the big-ticket issues but not worrying so much about agreeing on all the details.
Agree to disagree; alignment is respect not agreement?
Start with finding one thing you can see eye to eye. Then keep observing partners boundary. Don’t intrude every time because you know that when you do, it’s pressing the wrong buttons and you are prepared to engage emotionally and psychologically
Good question. In today’s environment, I’m leaning toward looking at the big picture an asking myself, what am I fighting for? My relationship or to win? To win is still looking at “self”. Political arguments generally should not be part of your relationship as you have NO control over political issues, but you do relational. Also it depends on the political issue.
Thanks, that simple differentiation between agreement and alignment is very useful!!!
I appreciate the way this article affirms the validity of disagreement in relationships as well as the distinction between alignment and agreement. This was a refreshing read and one I will continue to share, knowing that there is a population that embraces this view.
I take a hard conservative approach to most things. I view the big picture often not paying attention to many of the “steps” that get us there. My wife is moderate in her approach. She is concerned about those steps I tend to overlook. She concerns herself with by how taking those steps, it affects what surrounds them. She concerns herself with the few who are affected negatively–and it matters to her– regardless of how it adds up to the big picture.
We’ve been married for over 42 years. We do not have agreement on quite of few things, but we do discuss things to discover the areas that we are aligned. We look at what we do agree on and see how those things affect us as a couple and how we affect those around us.
We do have one rule, in decisions that affect our household, our relationship, and our family, we do not move ahead on anything important we are not unanimously in agreement on. If it isn’t important enough for the two of us to agree, then it is not important enough to engage in those things that may separate us.