Making a Game Plan for Family Events

Family reunions, holiday gatherings, Sunday dinners, special occasions. For most couples, family events are a normal part of your life together. Whether you’re nervously meeting each other’s family for the first time, or you’ve known them forever, whether you get along great or there’s some tension, whether you see them weekly or every few years, one thing is certain: navigating family events isn’t always easy.

It seems straightforward enough. Go to said event, spend time with family, go home. But families in general are rarely that simple. Complicated dynamics, unspoken rules, outspoken relatives – these are just a few of the factors that can lead to awkward moments, tension, or even conflict with family members and even your spouse.

While you can’t predict or prevent everything that’s going to happen, you can make a game plan to ensure you and your spouse are on the same page. Here are some things to consider before, during, and after the event.

Before

Having a conversation beforehand is going to be one of the best ways to prevent miscommunications, incorrect assumptions, or unmet expectations from derailing your experience during or after the occasion. Avoid an uncomfortable argument in front of family or a tense drive home by discussing these things:

• Are you both comfortable without the other person by your side?
• Do either of you have issues or reservations about certain individuals or situations?
• Are there certain things you don’t want brought up or shared?
• Do you need to align on logistical things, like how long you’ll stay/when you’ll leave, who will be the designated driver if there’s alcohol or if you’ll get an Uber?
• If you have children, you’ll want to consider things such as: boundaries you’re firm on or ones with some wiggle room (e.g. a few treats are okay, but the kids have to go to bed on time), who will be watching them or who you’re comfortable leaving them with, how you’ll deal with discipline if necessary, etc.
• If you or your children have special needs, are you comfortable with the accommodations or do you need to make special arrangements/adjustments?
• Do you need a “secret signal” in case of a situation where you need to leave abruptly or need backup from your spouse?

During

Hopefully by getting on the same page beforehand, you can relax and enjoy yourselves at the actual event. However, it can still be a good idea to check in with each other periodically, especially if you do end up going your separate ways. Take time to quickly connect, whether it’s to see if they need a refill on their drink, swap parenting duties, or confirm you want to leave soon. Even a smile from across the room or a quick hug in passing is enough to maintain your sense of connection.

Of course, things might not always go smoothly. If the wheels have come off, so to speak, and things have gotten awkward, uncomfortable, or tense, do your best to stay positive and calm. If you find yourself on the verge of an argument with your spouse, remind yourself that you’re in this together! Try to wait until you can talk privately if something needs to be addressed.

After

After the event, whether it’s on the ride home or the next day, debrief about how things went.

• What went well? What would you repeat?
• What didn’t go so well? What would you change for next time?
• Are there any new family issues to address?
• Is there anything you need to address with each other?

Keep in mind, this can be an ongoing conversation. You don’t have to solve everything immediately, and hopefully you’ll have another conversation to get aligned leading up to the next event.

Generally, family events shouldn’t be something you dread. Realistically, this isn’t always the case. They can cause stress, anxiety, or resentment, which can ultimately end up affecting your marriage. By taking time to make a game plan, you and your spouse can avoid this negative result and simply focus on spending valuable time with family.