3 Conversations to Have When You Clash Over Money

Congrats! You just got a huge bonus at work. You’re already envisioning how you’ll spend it – replacing that ratty old couch with new furniture for the family room. You’ve been working hard and waiting for a little windfall to spend on something nice that you can both enjoy. You can hardly wait to tell your spouse.

What?! Your spouse just told you they got a big bonus at work – that’s great! But they’re already planning on spending it all – which you can’t really fathom. Logically, you know you could spend the money and be fine financially. But deep down, you feel like you just have to sock at least some of it away.

If you can relate to this situation, then you probably know what it’s like to have conflict with your spouse over money. You probably also know there’s no easy solution. That’s because money issues run deeper than being a spender or a saver. So how do you start getting to root of your differences? Here are three conversations to have when you clash over money.

1. What are your early money memories?

You probably didn’t realize it at the time, but you were learning about the values, attitudes, and emotions connected to money as a kid from your family of origin. These early experiences shaped your initial construct of what money is and the role it plays in your life. Do you remember a piggy bank where you saved up all your birthday money for that toy you’d been pining over? Do you have memories of your parents fighting or being stressed out about paying bills? Do you recall feeling like money was scarce or abundant? What contributed to those feelings? Talking about experiences you had growing up that left a lasting impression on your relationship with money can give each other insight into your present-day attitudes and behaviors.

2. What does money mean to each of you?

Your early money memories contribute greatly to the meaning and values that you attach to money today. It can mean security, a necessary cushion in case times get tough. It can demonstrate status, a way to show you’ve “made it.” Perhaps it’s a means of enjoyment – being able to treat yourselves and do fun things. Maybe it’s about control – if you earn the money, you get to decide how and when it’s spent. Find out what money means to you with the Meaning of Money quiz, found in our Workbook for Couples. Does this give you any insight into your money disagreements? Are you better able to see where your partner is coming from?

3. What are your financial goals?

Your short-term priorities and long-term goals often reflect your orientations toward money. Communication and transparency here is important because these things directly affect your spending habits and decisions, even on a daily basis. Use the Priorities and Financial Goals exercises in the Workbook for Couples to help you explore and discuss these areas together. Where are you aligned as a couple? Where do you differ? How do the previous topics contribute to your differences? Do your spending/saving habits align with your priorities? If not, what adjustments can you make? How can you leverage your money orientations to help you reach your financial goals?

Money conflicts are often not as black and white as they seem. Whether you realize it or not, there are often emotions involved, ingrained in you since you were young. By opening up a dialogue with your spouse about the root of these feelings and how they affect your current behaviors and tendencies, you can be more intentional about using your differences to work together toward your financial goals.